just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
