My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
