just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
