Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
