so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
