Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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