Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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