I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
