I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
