just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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