So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
