I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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