Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
