I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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