Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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