Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
