It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You can't motorboat a personality
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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