i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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