Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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