Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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