his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
