No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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