You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
