I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just forgot I was standing up.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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