I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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Semen is not good for contacts.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I sprained my soul last night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
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He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker