the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.