I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
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My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one