I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
