Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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