cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
