every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
