you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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