I'm going to jail i love you
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
