I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
