I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
