my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
