Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
