There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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