Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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