you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.