She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
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I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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