I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
