Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
