if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
