Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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