Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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