First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
