well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
