So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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