Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
