You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
