My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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