Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
