i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize