You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
