yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
