sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
