Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
