you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
